Outlawed
by Invader Johnny
Summary: The Tallest have no choice but to ban something that could destroy their hierarchy.


**_Outlawed._**

 ** _Author: Invader Johnny._**

 ** _Summary: The Tallest have no choice but to ban something that could destroy their hierarchy._**

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim, that's property of Jhonen Vasquez and Nick, simple as that._**

 ** _Author Notes: This idea actually came from the twelfth issue of the IZ comic book series , and to a lesser extent, a ZAGR story I wrote entitled "I Heart Guts" and while this is set in that same universe, you don't have to read it in order to understand the madness bellow._**

 ** _So just enjoy this pointless silliness._**

* * *

"So, what are these called again?" Purple asked as he held a pair of black shoes in his hands.

"Humans call them high heels my Tallest." Zim said respectfully, a big creepy smile plastered on the monitor only served to make him appear crazy... Well _crazier_ than usual _._

"And what are they're for exactly?" Red asked, unimpressed.

"They make anyone appear taller!"

Suddenly everyone in the Massive looked at Zim and for the first time, it wasn't with a look of contempt, not that even noticed.

Nevertheless the prospect of gaining a few inches was very appealing for just about anyone hearing this conversation.

"Mind repeating that Zim?" Purple asked, scratching where his ear would be "I'm not sure I heard you right... I thought you said these high heels make you appear taller."

"They _**do**_ my Tallest!" The defective said proudly "That's why I sent you a pair using a modified version of the Subquantum Wormtunnel, that _**I**_ the almighty Zim improved!"

"He did not do such a thing!" Skrang Said indignantly.

"You be quiet!" Zim snapped pointing an angry finger at the engineer before turning to gaze back to his leaders "These heels would indeed make you gain more inches, adding to your already impressive height!"

The Tallest looked at the shoes in wonderment (as did everyone else in the ship.)

"Really?" Purple said "I gotta try this!"

The Irken leader took off his shoes and put on the high heels, he then turned off his hover belt, walking as if he were a model showing off a piece of a fashion, which was exactly the case.

"Ohhhhhhhhhh" The technicians said in awe because those high heels _**did**_ made their leader appear taller.

"I got to get me one of those." Skrang muttered to himself _"I just gotta."_

Like him, every other Irken on the bridge was under some kind hypnotic state under those blasted heels.

All except one that is...

Tallest Red did observed the shoes but unlike his co-ruler or subordinates, he stared at them with something akin of disdain.

For good reason too, if these high heels were made to appear taller by a few inches, not enough to make a significant difference but whose to say it wouldn't be the case for long?

According to Zim, the tallest human made shoes were at least seven to nine inches and while thes primitive creatures didn't prioritise height, their people did and if anyone were to find out about the existence of these 'high heels' their whole society, or worse, their very way of life might be at risk.

And Red wasn't about to let that happen.

"Zim... Who else knows about this footwear?" The crimson eye ruler asked menacingly.

"No one but you my Tallest." He replied innocently as he got another pair for his leaders to see "I got one for you too, these ones are eight inches."

"Ohhhhhhh." Once again everyone gawked at the shoes in awe.

"Gimme gimme gimme!" Purple said like an eager child, his outstretched arms making the universal motion of well... " _Gimme_."

Red glared at his co-ruler "Why do you want them?" He hissed "You're already tall!"

"Doesn't mean I don't want to be even _taller_."

"Zim, listen to me and listen to me well!" Red said darkly "You have a new assignment at hand."

"I do?"

"Yes!" His leader hissed "I want you to steal every high heel on the planet Earth."

"So that I can send them to you my Tallest?"

"Oh I like that idea!" Purple said gleefully "I could start my own collection!"

"Wrong! You aren't starting anything!" Red bellowed out "Zim, I order you to destroy them!"

Purple and the technicians were aghast by the decree.

"Destroy them my Tallest?"

"Is there an echo here?" He hissed irritated " _ **YES**_! Destroy them! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!"

A lightbulb suddenly turned on above the Invader's head, this was a golden opportunity.

"My Tallest, I'll get right on it" Zim said, saluting his leaders "However in order to destroy the millions of shoes on this planet, I'll need some... Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" Red asked suspiciously.

"Not much my Tallest, see even if I destroy the _existing_ high heels on this pitiful planet, the humans are bound to make more, so what better way to make sure that doesn't happen than by getting rid of the source?" Zim asked evilly "See, humans make these shoes out of... Bees."

"Bees?"

"Yes bees, if I kill them, then there is no more shoes and the humans will be left confused and defenceless and I can conquer the planet much more easily _**WUAHAHAHAHAHAHA**_!"

In the middle of his evil laughter, Zim began to cough uncontrollably for a few seconds until he began laughing evilly again, _**WUAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HA.. HA.. HA**_."

"I'm sending you _**one**_ plasma armed battle tank Zim." Red said, narrowing his eyes " _ **Don't**_ screw it up."

"Thank you my Tallest." The Invader replied, pleasantly surprised that for once he was getting something from his leaders "I won't let you down!"

"Piggyback ride!" Gir shouts excitedly as he jumped on his masters back with such force a _**crack**_ was heard.

"Ah! My spine!"

The transmission ended in static.

"Get me the storage planet!" Red ordered "I have a delivery to make!"

The fact that Tallest Red was assisting Zim in one of his crazy shenanigans was scary enough for both Purple and their subordinates, still... A technician opened up communications with one of their many storage worlds.

While their leader was distracted, two Irkens walked away from the bridge and into an isolated part of the Massive.

"Can you believe that?!" Skrang said madly "This is sick!"

"I know!" His a green eyed technician shouted "Tallest Red actually _**wants**_ Zim to destroy something!"

"Ok, true." The engineer agreed "But I wasn't talking about that, I mean the shoes! I want them!"

"Me too!

"So... What do we do?"

"I dunno, you're the one with the many Vortian brains in your back." His companion shrugs "Use them!"

Skrang did just that, thinking with all his might and it was clear from the smoke coming from the Vortian brains, unfortunately his overthinking caused the brains to spontaneously combust into flames.

 _ **"AH! AH! AH!**_ He screamed in terror "Turn them off! Turn them off!"

"Stop thinking" The technician instructed _ **"STOP THINKING!"**_

Contrary to what was being suggested, the engineer suddenly got an idea "Hey, I know what we can do!"

The flames got worse, consuming his body.

 _ **"AH! THE PAIN!"**_

 _ **"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR THINKING!"**_

* * *

An urgent newscast appeared on the screen.

" _ **ELVES**_!" Jeff Sheffy shouts to the camera "They're real and their stealing our shoes!"

The transmission switched from the reporter to a very poorly black and white video of several Irkens wearing bear suit stealing shoes, more precisely women shoes."

"The elves thought they would be smart to disguise themselves as bears!" Jeff said "But they're not! We could see them plain as day and now in one night, Earth no longer has high heels, women everywhere are going nuts!"

Some reporters were interviewing random women who were anything but happy."

"The shoes I was planning to wear for my wedding are gone!" A blonde said with teary eyes "Now my dress is worthless and I had to cancel the wedding!"

Another woman was shouting profanities at the TV and of course there were many beeps involved in her vocabulary that the censors has trouble making sure no bad word was said on national TV.

"Beep... Shitty elves.. Beep.. Suck... Beep... My... Beep... Ass!"

The reporter who had broadcasted the Moofy incident had a microphone in front of RoboMom.

"And you madam?" He asked "How are you dealing with the current crisis?"

"Have you seen a flying cow come by here?"

The reporter shook his head in dismay "What is the world coming to when not even women shoes are safe?" He asked the viewers "Today high heels, tomorrow what? Boots? Sandals? Real fancy footwear? I may be a reporter but I don't want to live in a world where we all run around barefoot... So I advise you all to protect your shoes... Because elves are watching you and you may be next in their list of theft."

The last part was said with an eerie like tone, till he cheerfully broke character saying "Good night!"

Dib stared at the screen annoyed " _ **OH COME ON**_!" He screams " _ **ELVES**_?! They don't believe me when I'm showing them photographic proof of alien invaders but when they do get some, they think of _**elves**_!"

"Why do _**you**_ get to breathe?" Gaz asked annoyed.

"So long son, daughter, I won't be home for a few days." Professor Membrane walked by the couch "I'm off assisting in making a material that will substitute bees as the main source of women shoes! Otherwise chaos will reign in the streets and we can't have that!"

As the scientist left the house, leaving both siblings alone, Gaz threw the remote at her brother.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"You're breathing near me."

* * *

Meanwhile Somewhere in Africa Zim was driving his plasma tank like a kid in an amusement park, destroying trees and disrupting the fauna around him.

"Whoo! I'm invading!" The Irken cheered "Look at me go Gir!"

"I wanna drive!"

"No!"

"Aww!"

The tank stopped in front of a beehive.

"This is it Gir, our first assault against those evil bees!" Zim said evilly _**"REVENGE SHALL BE MINE!"**_

"Bees!" The S.I.R Unit yelled happily, I want honey!"

The robot opened the hatch of the tank, running outside, his thirst for honey too strong.

"No Gir! The bees!"

Sure enough the African bees did not like being interrupted in their bee-ing and flew inside the plasma tank.

" _ **AH! NO**_! The stinging, hurts... so... bad!" Zim shouts loudly in pain **_"GIR! GIR! HELP HELP!"_**

Said minion was obliviously caressing the beehive "Hello bees! Wanna be my friends?!"

The bees tried to sting Gir, but seeing as he was a robot, he only giggles uncontrollably.

"That tickles."

* * *

 _ **Planet Shoptopia:**_

"Gimme those!" Invader Tenn roared They're _**mine**_!"

"The _**hell**_ they are!" Invader Tim said "Get your own!"

The Tallest were watching everything from afar, Red was not at all happy by these hot topic shoes, he was hardly surprised, he knew Zim would fail but he never expected these footwear to be exported all the way from Earth and into Irken territory.

"Look at those things Purple!" He said darkly "They're a threat to our way of life! We gotta do something about it! Like outlawing them! Purple? _**Purple**_!"

To his displeasure, he saw his co-ruler trying on a pair.

He innocently looked up "What? I like them, they make my legs look thinner and tall!"

"How many times do I have to say it donuts brain?!" Red growled exasperatedly "We're _**already**_ tall!"

"Well in that case, they make look taller!"

Red's eye twitched uncontrollably.

"There shoes are hypnotic... That _**can't**_ be good." He said worriedly "How can the Empire conquer the universe when every available soldier, invader and frycook worried about their _**height**_?"

Zim has yet again given the Tallest a migraine.

 _"Something must be done about this."_

* * *

 ** _Two hours later:_**

 ** _"CHARGEEEEEEEEEE!"_**

Several Irkens marched to the Tallest Tower, all of them making what cries.

 ** _"FOR THE SHOES!"_**

Red and Purple were hiding in their residential quaters, terrified asas their heard their front door break.

"In retrospect maybe outlawing these Earth shoes _wasn't_ the best idea."

"No, duh!"

"Hey this is your fault as much as mine!" Red hissed "Did you really had to flaunt the fact that you were keeping the high heels to yourself?!"

"Uh... Yeah?"

"You idiot."

"The shoes are near!" Invader Tenn proclaimed "I can smell them!"

"Cold unfeeling robot arm." Both Tallest whimpered.

* * *

 ** _And yet, another fic in which the Tallest get the short end of the stick, seems like Red's desire to keep his political position safe and Purple's obsession with his height was their undoing, go figure, but damn! I'm on a roll here with the fandom, what can I say? I miss it._**

 ** _Now, I am aware that no Irken in the show would turn their backs on the Tallest since they are worshipped almost religiously, but what if that worship was directed at something else and considering the Empire's height based hierarchy, what better way for their society to unravel than with something that make the Irkens appear taller?_**

 ** _On a final note, Zim didn't noticed or most likely didn't care that the high heels are for women since Irkens have no concept of gender etiquette._**

 ** _Anyway, what are your final thoughts of this story?_**

 ** _Constructive criticism is accepted as always._**

 ** _Invader Johnny Signing Off._**


End file.
